


no longer feel alone

by natigail



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Christmas Fluff, Coffee Shops, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Holiday Fic Exchange, House Party, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Manchester City, Sharing a Bed, Strangers to Lovers, Trains, Wheel of Manchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21905638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natigail/pseuds/natigail
Summary: who'd have known that a random act of kindness from a stranger could lead to this.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 48
Kudos: 120
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	no longer feel alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dizzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/gifts).



> I hope you like this, Mandy! I had a blast writing it and I decided to incorporate elements from two of the great prompts you submitted, namely:
> 
> PROMPT 1: Centered around that hazy warm period after you've met someone and you know it's going Somewhere but before it's actually official that you're dating. (Think Lily Allen "Who'd Have Known" vibes).
> 
> PROMPT 2: Dan's cold on the train and Phil opens his bag up and gives him a knitted hat because he's just come from seeing his aunt (black with a black pom pom on top, of course) and he has about a million of them but Dan isn't used to/ready for random acts of kindness and he's had a shitty day and starts to cry in front of this stranger who is slightly freaked out and then they get off at the same stop and see each other in line at the coffee shop again and end up sitting beside each other at the only free table.
> 
> Finally, a massive thank you to my incredible and thorough beta [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com/). Their corrections and suggestions made the fic even better. Thank you so much for helping me!

Dan felt cold.

It’s the kind of cold that seemed to creep into his bones and take hold there and he wasn’t sure it could entirely be blamed on the cold air seemingly wafting through the train. He felt drained and bone-tired. He hadn’t wanted to go back to London for his homophobic aunt’s big birthday bash, but his family would never let him hear the end of it if he stayed away. He might have tried to fake an illness and it could have been an option but he’d used that excuse twice this year already to avoid interactions with his extended family.

The horrible dinner party had dragged on and on for hours and Dan had just sat quietly in the corner, subtly on his phone as much as he could without receiving a hard glare from his mother. Everyone else seemed to move through this party with practiced ease and none of Dan’s social awkwardness.

He couldn’t count how many times he had been asked if he has found a nice girl at university by various intrusive family members. It made his stomach feel tight and uncomfortable.

Dan had escaped as soon as was socially acceptable, which was already stretching it far past his own limit, and you would think that the universe would have rewarded him for being a good child and show up at his parents’ request. But once again, he was just proven how incorrect it was to believe in something like the fairness of the universe or that the scales had to balance each other out eventually.

On the way out, he’d been caught by the lady of the evening and his aunt had kept trying to make him stay for longer, acting like it was rude to abandon the party early and complaining that she had hardly managed to talk to him. Dan hadn’t been keen to talk to her but she hadn’t sought him out either, so really it was her own fault.

He had finally managed to wrestle himself away and run out into the air that felt much colder than when he had left Manchester that morning. It was early December but the weather had been behaving bizarrely lately. Dan didn’t want to think about how climate change was probably fucking with everything and this unusual warmer weather was just another indication that the planet was dying.

He had shaken off those thoughts before they could make his brain spiral and he headed for the train station. He’d thought that he had plenty of time to spare, but a quick glance at his phone informed him that it was later than he had anticipated and with a huff of exhaustion, he started a light jog to make sure that he could make his train.

Involuntary exercise was just the icing on the cake for this already horrible day.

He raced into the station and onto the platform, ticket in hand, only to see the train leave right in front of him. His legs carried him closer, tense and hurting now that he’d jogged in boots, which were very much not made for running, but he already knew that it was in vain.

He had missed his train.

Dan cursed under his breath and bit into his lower lip and he fought off a wave of emotion that suddenly bubbled up. He felt like he wanted to cry, which only made him feel angrier because it was not that big of a deal. With a shaky breath, he reeled himself in and begrudgingly walked over to check the time for the next train.

Nearly an hour later, Dan felt so cold that he was shivering and he had forked out a lot more money than anticipated on this trip. He boarded the train with a frown on his face and his arms wrapped around his torso in a futile attempt to keep himself warm. His nose was running a little and he sniffled uncomfortably. At least he might be able to get a refund for the ticket that he hadn’t ended up using but until the money got redeposited into his account, his balance would be almost non-existent. He sighed and tried to huddle deeper into his jacket.

It wasn’t working. The jacket was more of a fashion choice than designed for keeping someone properly warm. Dan cursed himself for his choice of aesthetic over functionality again. Even so, it granted a little warmth and he could shove his cold hands into the pockets to shield them a little. His poor nose and ears were just exposed to the elements and Dan wondered how he could have left this morning without a beanie.

Right, because he had procrastinated leaving for so long this morning that he had almost missed his train and he had to get ready in record time. To his defence, he hadn’t wanted to go.

Somehow, he’d known that that excuse would not fly with his parents and he had managed to catch that train.

Dan resigned himself to looking out of the window as the train pulled away from the station. He felt almost compelled to take a nap, but knowing his luck he would either get robbed or oversleep and end up missing his stop. He didn’t need any more unfortunate incidents.

Having been forced to socialise for entirely too long, Dan was content to just ignore all the other passengers around him for the whole two hours. He wanted to cease to exist, just for a moment, and pretend like he wasn’t surrounded by other people also trying to go through their commute.

It was rarely an issue. It was surprisingly easy for him to tune out to his surroundings. He could shut out loud and obnoxious people with ease. He could ignore people that dressed bizarrely. He could pretend he didn’t see anyone’s judgemental looks at his all black attire and emo fringe and scowl on his face.

Until someone came barging into the train cabin, banging the connecting door open with too much noise in a way that made Dan flinch in his seat. Dan looked up to see a tall man dressed in an oversized rainbow jumper with a big bag slung over his shoulder and a couple of orange leaves in his black hair. He smiled after a quick wince at his own sound and let out a startled apology that was almost louder than the damn door. He scanned the cabin, undoubtedly looking for a place to sit down, and his eyes stopped on Dan who was still watching him for a reason he couldn’t explain.

Upon holding his gaze for a moment, Dan cast his eyes down, still shivering slightly in his seat. He knew he must look extremely unapproachable as he was silently stewing in his misery. Everyone else had certainly avoided sitting opposite him.

Of course, it now meant that the seat opposite him was the only one available and the beautiful and odd man sat down in it, seemingly without reservations.

Dan clenched his jaw and looked out of the window, intent on ignoring the man. He didn’t need to go staring at handsome strangers on the train, even if he couldn’t help the way his heart caught a little in his chest at the sight of obvious rainbows on this person. It might mean Dan could actually have a chance, or the guy could just like rainbows. There was no way to be entirely sure and Dan definitely wasn’t going to attempt to talk to a random stranger.

If his luck today had been anything to go by, the dude was probably a psycho of some kind. Maybe a cannibal. Dan could only take so much misfortune in one day.

He could still hear the invasive questions from his relatives, remember the pitying look on his mother’s face and his father’s scowl of disappointment. Dan hadn’t even been able to talk up studying law because he would rather strangle himself than have to talk about it more. He struggled enough as it was with making it through classes. He didn’t want people to congratulate him on starting a tough course that could eventually lead to a prestigious job, even if that was the exact reason that he had allowed himself to be pushed onto this path.

Dan sniffled again and wiped the back of his hand against his nose in an attempt to stifle it. He didn’t have the time for being ill, not this close to exam season. He still had a week left of classes and he desperately needed to pay attention to the sum-up lessons to make up for the classes he had skipped or zoned out during the semester. Actually, he should be studying on the train, he remembered as he glared at his bag that held his laptop and one of his textbooks. Instead, he just turned up the volume on his headphones a little, willing himself to pretend none of this was happening.

It would be easier to make time go faster if he wasn’t so freaking cold. He had only been slightly cold when he left the dinner party, but after loitering around Euston Station for nearly an hour, the cold had crept into his very being.

This fucking sucked, Dan thought, as he closed his eyes and tried to let his mind wrap him up in the pretend that he wasn’t trying to suppress shivers.

One song finished and next Muse song blasted in his ears and he had to actively stop himself from humming along to the familiar tune.

“Excuse me?” someone said, too close to his person, and Dan snapped open his eyes with a start to find the man sitting opposite him, leaned forward and smiling warmly at Dan. Out of habit and politeness, Dan pulled back one of his earbuds and he realised just how loud the music had been.

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t realise that it was that loud,” he muttered, flushing with embarrassment, as he fumbled with his phone to turn the volume down. He figured his music must have disturbed the other passengers. In his rush, he managed to just pull out the cord. Dan could have sworn the music would usually turn off automatically if that happened but for some reason everything was going wrong today, and soon the train cabin was blasted with his music.

Dan yelped and quickly swiped his thumb across his phone to properly stop the song. The quiet settled uncomfortably around him and he could feel several glares pointed in his direction which made his skin crawl, but he only had the capacity to focus on the man in front of him.

He’d expected to see disgruntlement.

He had not expected for this stranger to grin at him with a smile bright enough to be blinding. Dan’s breath caught in his throat without permission and he wondered when the last someone smiled so genuinely at him was.

At his accommodations, it was all casual smiles and joking around with each other. It was nice, but it wasn’t like this. People didn’t smile and maintain eye contact like this. Something was clearly wrong with this man.

“Exogenesis, right? I’d recognise Muse anywhere,” the stranger continued, smile staying on his lips as he talked.

“Yeah?” Dan said, and he wasn’t sure why it came out like a question.

“It’s a good song. Oh, but I didn’t try to get your attention because I thought your music was too loud or anything, especially not when it’s Muse. I love Muse,” the stranger said so easily.

Dan felt a bit dumbstruck and as a result he was not entirely in control of his mouth.

“I love Muse too!” he exclaimed, a little too loudly and then dug into his seat as people glared in their direction again.

The stranger opposite him didn’t seem to mind. If anything, his bright and genuine smile was just growing wider and it was making Dan feel a little flustered.

“They’re awesome, right?”

“Yes,” Dan nodded along, with a bit of confusion. “Wait, what did you want to talk to me about then?”

“Oh,” the stranger said and now his smile morphed into something softer, and shyer. “I didn’t want to talk to you. Wait, I mean, not that you’re not nice to talk to. I’m sure you are. You seem great! It’s not that, definitely not and-“

“Hey,” Dan said gently, interrupting the man’s ramble because he recognised frantic panic so much better than overly friendly smiles. “I didn’t think you were trying to insult me. No worries.”

“Good,” the stranger said and let out an actual exhale that made his shoulders slump a little. Dan had not realised how tense they had been. “Well, what I was going to say, or rather what I wanted to say is that I wasn’t intending to talk to you but I noticed that you were like shivering in your seat.”

Dan leaned back a little at this stranger’s correct assessment. It was a tad weird to comment on the status of another person’s temperature, wasn’t it? Sure, the Brits loved to talk about the weather, in particular when it was cold and dreary, which was most of the time, but this felt different.

“Okay?” Dan said hesitantly, not knowing where this guy was going with his assessment.

“I just wanted to give you this,” he continued, seemingly undeterred by the expression on Dan’s face, as he dug into his big bag on the seat beside him and pulled out something black.

He held it out towards Dan and the black lump turned out to be a knitted hat, black with a matching black pom-pom on top. It looked soft and warm and there was an almost homemade quality about it. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that this had probably been lovingly crafted and then gifted to this man.

“Oh, I couldn’t,” Dan rushed to say, hands in front of him to push away the offered gift.

“It’s fine. I have like a million of them. My aunt makes them and she always gives me several when I visit her. I figured that the all black one would be your… aesthetic, but I have other colours if you want.”

Dan’s breath caught in his throat and not for the first time since he had been acquainted with this man. He felt like his chest was too hot and his heart was beating fast inside of his ribcage. This guy’s aunt had made, regularly made him, home-knitted gifts and now he was sincerely offering Dan one of them. No one had ever made something like that for Dan; he didn’t own a single item that had been handcrafted, one of a kind. Dan could hear the sincerity dripping off this man’s every word and he had even gone as far as to consider Dan’s colour preferences. The fact that he’d been spot on made it even more impactful.

It was too much. Dan’s face began to feel too hot as well and his tongue was tying itself into knots, preventing him from uttering more than some weird animalistic squeak.

However, it seemed that the stranger read it as a confirmation and before Dan could protest further, the hat was being shoved gently into his hands. It was just as soft as it had looked and Dan barely closed his fingers around it, overwhelmingly wary that he might tear or damage it in anyway despite how sturdy it had looked and felt.

He tried to clear his throat, to make any actual English words come out, but it didn’t help and now the burning sensation was moving across his face and settling behind his eyes. Oh, no.

“Take it, please,” the stranger said, once again smiling that kind and bright smile he had worn when first greeting. “You look cold. It’ll keep you warm.”

Dan forced his eyes to blink, trying to ward off what he knew was coming. He could feel his whole body flushing hot as he tried to suppress the urge. He would not cry on public transportation, surrounded by so many strangers. It was just not going to happen.

Dan wasn’t sure why he was lying to himself, as he felt his eyes become watery and his nose began to run even more. He tried to fight it by grinding his jaw almost painfully but he could tell that his face must be growing red and blotchy and the sheen on his eyes was unmistakable.

The stranger in front of him lost his smile for the first time since Dan had seen him. His face was one of shock, his eyes widened almost comically, and he looked terrified.

“I’m sorry! Are you allergic to it or something? I didn’t know. Here, I can take it back,” the man offered, reaching his hands out, but Dan hadn’t realised that he had already moved to clutch the hat against his chest.

He was holding it tight, pressed to the middle of his chest, resting right against his racing heart. He was not allergic to the material, but he might be allergic to random kindness from strangers like this.

It simply didn’t happen. People did not just offer up hand-made accessories to people because they were cold. Dan was half-convinced that the man in front of him with the beautiful smile and bright eyes was a figment of his imagination.

“I’m not,” Dan managed to choke out, hat still pressed against his chest, and he sniffled again while trying to stop the tears that he could feel trailing down his cheeks. “Allergic, I mean.”

“Okay,” the stranger continued, sounding unsure, as his eyes scanned over Dan’s form.

Dan wondered what he saw. He probably saw a young guy that was emotionally unstable if he just burst into tears when someone gave him a hat. He wasn’t far off the mark.

Still, Dan felt like he needed to offer up some form of explanation for his actions.

“I’m sorry. I’ve just had a shitty day. Like dealing with homophobic family members shitty,” Dan said and then cringed because he had not meant to say something so concrete or revealing, “and I missed my train and I didn’t bring enough warm clothes and this is just… nice. It’s really nice.”

Dan had rambled more than he had wanted to, and he inwardly cringed, but at least it seemed to make that concerned expression leave the kind stranger’s face.

“Well, then I’m glad to have been able to help just a little,” the stranger said and let out an awkward giggle.

It sounded wonderful, slightly breathy with just an air of awkwardness. Dan felt his heart race a little faster and this time it had nothing to do with his own embarrassment.

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, in a whisper, even as he still clutched the hat against his chest. He knew he didn’t look like he wanted to hand it back one bit, despite his words. Who could blame him when it was this soft and probably warm?

Granted, he didn’t feel very cold right now, flushed with embarrassment, but he figured that it would recede eventually. His tears were already drying up, even if his eyes were a little glossy and his nose runnier than before. His face was still flushed and probably tearstained, but you wouldn’t know if you saw how the stranger beamed at Dan’s face without any prejudice.

“Please take it,” he repeated. “My aunt would love to hear that I gave it to someone who was cold on the train. Besides, I think it’ll look good on you.”

He said the last thing with almost a glint in his eyes and Dan was unsure if he was trying to be kind or if he might be attempting to flirt. Granted, it probably wasn’t the latter option considering that he had just seen Dan cry over a hat and he knew his face probably looked far from attractive right now.

Even knowing this, the praise made Dan draw in a sharp breath and he felt heat flush towards his already-red cheeks. He loosened his grip on the knitted hat and carefully pulled it on top of his head. It felt wonderful to have his ears covered by the soft fabric and he didn’t stop the slow smile that crawled up on his face.

The stranger was still looking at him, smile both on his lips and in his eyes. It should have been creepy, to have a complete stranger looking at him so obviously. However, there was something disarming about this guy, even though Dan didn’t even know his name. Despite Dan’s initial assessment, he didn’t sound like a creep and he did seem like just a kind man.

“How does it look?” Dan found himself asking.

“I was right,” the stranger replied. “It looks great.”

Dan lowered his eyes, taking an opportunity to wipe the corners of his eyes where tears were drying as well.

“Thank you,” he said softly and he wasn’t sure if he was thanking him for the compliment or the gift in itself. Probably both.

The kind stranger just smiled and the moment seemed to fizzle out gently. Dan went back to scroll through his phone, even if he didn’t plug his headphones back in. The stranger did the same.

Dan wanted to ask his name, or any of the thousand cliché small talk questions that came to mind. He wanted to know if this guy worked or studied and if so, what. He wanted to know if they shared more music taste. He wanted to ask what brought him on this train. Was he heading out somewhere or on his way home? But every time Dan was working up the courage, it faltered before he could open his mouth.

The stranger looked almost intimidating in spite of his awkward and gentle nature and excessive kindness. He felt too cool and too pure for Dan to engage with. He would just taint this beautiful human with his cynicism and his anger at the world. He kept his mouth shut through the whole train journey, even if he risked a couple of glances at the other man’s face.

He was attractive and he was exactly the type of guy that Dan would try to talk to if he was out at a club with his friends. He might also have chickened out then, but at least in that situation there was a space to just walk up to strangers and start talking to them. You didn’t talk to strangers on the train, unless you were that one weirdo who tried to engage everyone in conversation that people tried to stay clear of.

However, Dan supposed that the stranger had started to talk to him first.

Normally whenever Dan had to take the train back to Manchester, he felt like the hours dragged by painfully slow. Today, it seemed like the opposite happened. It felt like just minutes since the kind stranger sat down opposite him, but his station was up and Dan had to get off the train and leave this guy behind.

Dan had a feeling that their encounter would be imprinted on him forever, even if he never saw this man again. The knowledge that their paths would most likely never cross again made Dan’s heart feel tight in a way he couldn’t quite decipher.

At least he would always have a physical reminder that this hadn’t been some elaborate fever dream. He tugged on the hat a little, pulling it lower on his ears as he got up from his seat and shuffled off to the furthest door just so he wouldn’t have to go through the door that the stranger had dramatically entered through.

He considered saying goodbye or waving, but he decided against it. He would likely choke on his words anyway and it wasn’t like the two of them even owed each other anything. It had just been a moment. A stranger exhibiting excessive kindness in a way that made Dan believe a little more in humanity.

There was a lot of bad shit out in the world but at least there were also people like that. It might not balance the scales, but it made the world a little bit of a brighter place and it mattered.

It mattered to Dan who had been cold on the train.

He smiled as he finally dared to dig out his headphones and plug them back into his phone. As he pressed play, Muse’s _Exogenesis_ started playing from where he had paused it and he felt his throat go a little tight again.

The train came to a stop at Manchester station and Dan rushed out, forcing himself not to look back. It wouldn’t do him any good.

He shivered as he moved off the train and he instinctively felt his shoulders hunch up and tense against the cold. His teeth might have been chattering. While the train had been cold, it was something different to be outside again. A small smile found his lips as he thought that at least his ears weren’t freezing off.

It was getting late, the afternoon officially switching into evening, and Dan had planned to head straight back for his university accommodation. But when he passed the cosy coffee shop near the station, it was like his feet moved on their own accord.

He knew he was running low on funds and he couldn’t be indulging in an overpriced hot chocolate. The realisation made him pause just a handful of steps outside of the coffee shop, but he didn’t stay still for long.

The sky decided to open just that moment it seemed, cold rain suddenly falling from the sky with viciousness. Dan’s jacket would not keep him dry in this type of downpour. He followed the crowd of people around him that all headed in the direction of the coffee shop for cover. He would just live off pasta for an extra couple of days. At least now he had learned that he needed to put water into the pot. It had been quite an embarrassing ordeal the first time he’d attempted to make pasta.

If the outside was cold and dreary, the inside of the coffee shop was warm and inviting. Dan lined up in the already-long queue and could see that he was not the only one who had felt the urge to nip in there as a temporary escape from the weather. There were people all over, the chatter was loud, and he felt a little bit suffocated if he thought about it too much.

Dan purposely tuned out everyone around him and it worked much better than it had on the train. Granted, there were no kind hat-giving strangers in this place.

The staff worked effectively and Dan admired how they kept up a good attitude despite clearly being tired. Before long, he had his hands wrapped around a hot chocolate with extra toppings. He dropped his change in the tips box, despite almost hearing the wail of his bank account at this whole visit.

He had asked for a to-go cup but he could hear the pounding of rain against the window and there was no way he was getting out in that before he absolutely had to. It wasn’t like there was someone waiting for him at home anyway. He liked his hallmates well enough. His introverted tendencies meant that he spent a lot of time in his room, but despite that, it had never truly felt like home. It was a temporary resting place in a way, but even though he’d tried to decorate it and make it personal, he just couldn’t help but feel like it was missing something.

An older couple got up from a little two-person table in the corner and the lady waved in Dan’s direction from where he was hovering in the middle of the coffee shop. He moved closer and thanked her in a quiet whisper.

She took the hand of the man she had shared the table with and Dan noticed their wedding bands. Husband and wife. They had to be in their seventies at least and they still smiled kindly at each other and the husband held open the door for his wife. Once outside in the rain, they opened their big umbrella and huddled around the middle together. It made Dan feel an ache and longing in his heart.

Everybody always talked about young love and how it was infectious and bold and all-consuming but Dan had always admired old love. Frankly, the beginning of relationships scared him a little. He hated the insecurity of not knowing where you stood with each other. It was even worse now because everyone seemed to date multiple people casually. Dan didn’t want any of that.

He wanted a stable love, one that could grow old and just keep becoming more and more important to him as the years passed. He yearned for the type of love where you could depend on each other and become an essential part of each other’s lives. He wanted inside jokes, he wanted lazy cuddles together, he wanted to know what the other person liked without having to ask, he wanted to be able to lean into their space and know you were safe.

Fuck young love. He wanted someone to grow old with.

Dan sipped his hot chocolate and shifted in his seat. His chair was a little rickety and he felt slightly bad for taking up a table with two spaces for just himself, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

“Hey, excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” a familiar voice asked.

Dan’s eyes flickered up.

With everything horrible that had happened today, Dan felt that maybe this balanced it out a little bit again. He wasn’t sure how he could run into this guy twice, but he was not complaining.

“Of course,” Dan said, hands wound tightly around his cup, as he didn’t know what else to do with them.

The stranger looked the same, except he now had a knitted hat on top of his head as well. It was in the red and white pattern of a santa hat and Dan smiled at the sight of it.

“Nice hat,” he commented as the stranger settled across from him once again.

Normally, Dan hated talking to strangers. It was awkward and weird, but there was something about this guy that just made him let his guard down.

“Thanks,” he replied with a bright smile. “I’m Phil, by the way.”

“Dan,” Dan said with a nod, while his lips curved up into a small smile. He was happy to finally put a name to the face. It made Phil feel a bit more real and concrete in front of him, even if Dan still hadn’t entirely excluded the option that Phil might be too nice to be a normal human.

He had been too nervous to ask, afraid that it was breaking some unofficial rules about engaging with strangers in public. From what he knew, this might be entirely commonplace for Phil. He could be the type of person to just reach out and make random conversation with anyone in his vicinity. Dan secretly thought that anyone in Phil’s vicinity was blessed if that was the case.

“I didn’t know you got off on this stop,” Phil continued, moving his mug onto the table. It looked like a hot chocolate with all the toppings as well. Only, Phil had opted to get it served to stay rather than Dan’s to-go cup.

It had been a bold move since there were hardly any spaces left in this place. Dan let his eyes scan their surroundings and he realised that there was literally not a single free seat.

“Yeah, I did,” Dan said lamely, wondering how he could talk to this guy.

He wanted to. He wanted so desperately to get to know him, with an urge he couldn’t even properly explain himself. It was unfamiliar. Not the awkwardness between two people who didn’t know each other – Dan was all too familiar with that. No, it was the fact that despite the inherent awkwardness there was something else in the air.

It was a sense of comfort and ease.

Dan tried to think whether the act of gift giving had really let down his own boundaries that much. He would like to say that he wasn’t so easily swayed, but there was something about it that made him feel soft and warm instinctively.

“I’m glad to see you’ve saved me a seat here too,” Phil replied and did the most horrible attempt at a wink that Dan had ever seen.

It made laughter bubble up from his stomach, and the sensation spread to his face in a grin, even if he managed to stifle the giggles before they could escape his mouth and become audible. He didn’t need Phil to think that he was laughing at him. He kind of was, but he didn’t mean it in any malicious way and he still needed to tread carefully around this not-quite-stranger-anymore. He just thought it looked too cute.

“I didn’t,” Dan said, but his tone was soft. “But I’m glad you were the one who took it anyway.”

“Dan, I’m hurt,” Phil said and pulled a hand to his chest as if he’d been shot or stabbed. “How could you do this to me in our newly-formed friendship?”

Phil’s theatrics were hilarious, even his “dying” noises that soon followed, but Dan was stuck on his words instead. Friendship. At first, Dan thought that his ears had deceived him. The coffee shop patrons around the two of them were quite loud, even if the noise seemed to have faded more away as they carved out their own little bubble in the corner.

Dan never found it easy to make friends. He had been too awkward growing up and too loud and annoying for most people as he embraced his inner theatre kid. Then he’d turned quiet and silent due to bullying and been wary of who to let close. He had friends, sure, but they were more friends of convenience than anything else. He didn’t see any of his old friends now that he’d moved halfway across the country to study. He had met people at university and they were generally better and less prejudiced than his old school friends, but he had a feeling that those friendships might not stick either.

Phil was still mostly a stranger and he probably was just joking about friendship, or he meant one of those fleeting moments where you meet someone one or a few times and you’re _friendly_ but it’s not an actual friendship.

If only Phil hadn’t sounded so sincere as he’d said it.

Dan had slipped into his own head again, as he often did, and he was only brought back to reality when Phil softly let his fingertips rest against the back of Dan’s hand. Dan’s eyes snapped up from where he’d zoned out on the drink in his grasp, and he found Phil’s eyes all too easily.

Again, he wasn’t seeing what he had expected in them.

There was no tension or annoyance that Dan had seemingly zoned out.

Phil’s eyes were bright and welcoming, with an air of awkwardness but it was light and only tense in the way that it made Dan’s heart sped up a little.

“Sorry,” he muttered, flashing a meek smile.

“You have dimples!” Phil exclaimed, loud enough that a couple of the people seated around them looked in their direction.

Dan felt heat rush to his cheeks because Phil sounded absolutely enamoured at the fact that Dan had muscle deficiency in his cheeks.

“Yeah,” Dan said, purposely speaking in a way that let the dimples stay mostly on his face. Phil’s eyes could rival the fairy lights hung around the corners of the shop right now and Dan wanted to keep him looking like that for as long as possible.

“That’s so cute,” Phil said, out loud, and then looked like it was something that had meant to be an internal comment instead of one he wished to share with the world.

For some reason that moment of awkwardness was what made Dan finally let go of the last tension he hadn’t realised that he was holding in his shoulders. His cheeks felt a little hotter, but he was ready to blame that on the atmosphere rather than the compliment.

Part of him always felt the need to shy away from compliments, or deny them, or at some horrible points, pull the person aside and tell them all the reasons why they were wrong and that he wasn’t whatever nice thing that they assumed about him.

He wasn’t at the point where he could just accept a compliment with a “thank you” just yet, but he held his tongue for the rebuttal that wanted to come out. He didn’t feel cute, especially right now when he was tired, slightly moist and still sniffling.

Dan did manage to send Phil a reassuring smile though, and Phil eased up a little at that. The urge to talk to Phil was still so strong, but he didn’t know how to approach it. How did humans even talk normally? He felt like he’d missed out on that module or something. The only things that he really knew how to properly talk about were undoubtedly his passions, even if it turned into rants half the time. But music and video games weren’t small talk conversations with a stranger, were they? Then again, he would never know if he didn’t try.

He also didn’t want Phil to leave just yet and he was properly sipping his hot chocolate. Dan would beat himself up even more if he let this guy slip away from him for the second time in a day. Maybe he had been blessed with a second chance to talk to him, but he couldn’t count on being granted a third one. It was now or never.

It was still a little too hard to get the words out.

“I like Muse,” he said, the words coming out almost startled. “You like Muse too, right?”

Phil smiled at him, and Dan was once again blinded the intensity of it.

“Yeah, I like Muse. They’re my favourite,” Phil said and then it was like something opened between them.

It wasn’t floodgates where the water would come rushing out too fast for any of them to keep up. It was more tentative than that, just a little sprinkling of water as they found more common ground, but steadily things started to flow more easily as they discovered that they had quite a lot of things in common. The conversation started with music, then it moved onto video games, and later it turned more personal as they talked about their families and studies. Dan found out that Phil had just graduated and received his master’s degree this past summer and he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that Phil was officially done with school. But he felt a lot better when Phil scooted his chair over to Dan’s side of the table and reached over to put a hand around his shoulders and give him a weird sitting hug.

There was no denying that it was slightly awkward, and Dan didn’t entirely know how to reciprocate it, but he leaned into the embrace and the comfort that it granted him anyway. He could feel why Phil did it, and it was the thought that counted, even if the execution was a little clumsy.

Their drinks had long since been finished, but the two of them lingered in the coffee shop anyway. Dan didn’t want to leave and it seemed neither did Phil. Whenever there was a lull in conversation, the two of them would look at each other as if trying to gauge if the other was feeling fed up so they should stop talking. Instead, the two of them both just reached for another topic, progressively with more and more ease.

Time didn’t seem to exist for the two of them.

Unfortunately, time did exist for everyone else.

Neither of them had really noticed that the shop had eventually been cleared out except for them. The hustle and bustle of other people had slowly eased away, but the two boys had been too caught up in their chatter to pay attention to it.

It wasn’t until a barista walked over to their table to politely tell them that the shop was closing in a couple of minutes. She asked them to clear out in a slightly strained customer service voice.

Dan and Phil stumbled to their feet in a rush, both a little embarrassed that they hadn’t noticed that the shop had closed around them. It took about thirty seconds flat for them to clear out.

The sky was pitch black above them and it would have been almost scary to walk down the streets if it wasn’t for all the Christmas lights that had been hung up just a couple of days ago. Dan had yet to feel Christmassy in any way but in that moment, he felt it settle on him.

It might have something to do with how the multicoloured lights reflected in Phil’s eyes and he could hear Mariah Carey’s _All I Want For Christmas_ drifting through the air from one of the shops a little further down the streets. Something wet and soft landed on the bridge of Dan’s nose and he looked up to confirm that it was indeed a soft snowfall. He looked back down to see Phil and how the snowflakes softly started to settle on Phil’s cheek, only to turn into water after a brief exposure to the heat from his body.

“I can’t believe we were so obtuse that we didn’t notice that the shop closed,” Phil said with a little giggle.

“Yeah, it’s a little embarrassing. In my defence, I was distracted,” Dan said.

“By what?” Phil challenged and there was that underlying flirty tone that he could bring up on occasion.

Dan had mostly not risen to it, unsure if he could really believe that Phil was interested in him, but this time he did.

“By you,” he said and shoved Phil away gently.

Phil let out a shriek in surprise and his mouth feel open. “I’m not the distracting one, you are!”

“Oh, am I?” Dan challenged and closed a bit of the distance between them as he glared into Phil’s eyes playfully.

He wasn’t sure where he got this rush of bravery, but he highly appreciated it. Dan had mostly kissed people who were shorter than him and he was used to having to tilt his eyes downwards whenever he got this close to someone’s face, but he was pleasantly surprised to see he could look straight into Phil’s eyes.

He had finally met someone who was a giant like himself.

With this close proximity, Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his mouth and he felt the urge to lean forward to close the distance in a kiss, but he couldn’t make himself. It would be crossing over to something different and it was too soon to be this impulsive. Dan _liked_ Phil and not just in the romantic, I-have-a-crush-on-you way, even if he also felt that with the whole swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He wanted to be Phil’s friend because he had never clicked with anyone like this before. He needed to make sure that they were on the same page before he did anything.

First and foremost, he needed to make sure he had a way of finding Phil again. It was more important than a fleeting kiss that might just scare him off, even if Dan was almost certain Phil’s eyes flickered down to Dan’s lips like he was thinking the same as Dan.

The moment was broken by the muffled sound of a phone vibrating and Phil slowly and hesitantly pulled back to retrieve his phone from his pocket. It was then that Dan realised that neither of them had had their phones out for the last couple of hours that they had been talking. They hadn’t felt the need to do it for even a single moment. It felt like something important in this world were people were always so busy keeping up with what was happening on the internet. The phone was also a way for Dan to avoid awkward situations and hide away for awhile, but he’d never felt the need around Phil.

Phil didn’t answer the call, but he looked up a little apologetic at Dan.

“It’s one of my friends. I forget we were supposed to go out. So, I’m sorry to cut this short, but I probably need to run home and change,” Phil said while waving between the two of them.

Dan resisted the urge to tell him that he definitely hadn’t cut it short. They had dragged it out, both of them, much further than one would think a fleeting moment between strangers should last.

“It’s fine. I hope you have a great time tonight,” Dan said politely, feeling a little unsure about what he could say.

What could he say to a person who had come into his life with a loud burst and somehow crawled past all of his barriers in just a few hours? Phil hadn’t actively tried to get past his defences; it was more like he’d walked up to the walls that Dan had around himself and gently touched it, upon which the thick and tall walls had just started to crumble around his fingertips. Dan didn’t have an explanation for it and he felt a little raw and exposed, but he found that he didn’t mind it. His wall had crumbled around him, and he stood amidst the rubble, but it didn’t matter because Phil was in front of him, only an arm's length away.

“I will try, though to be honest I would much rather be on the sofa munching on snacks while watching anime,” Phil said and Dan let out a bright laugh and nodded in agreement.

He had never been to as many parties as during this first semester at university and it was fun and exciting at first, but now some of the novelty started to wear off.

“That does sound awesome,” Dan agreed.

Phil nodded and then the quiet settled over them properly for the first time since they had met inside of the coffee shop. The two of them were just lingering outside the shop now, and Dan absentmindedly wondered when exactly the cold rain that had driven him into the coffee shop had ceased. It had been so loud when he had sat down and he had been content to just wait it out, until Phil had showed up. After that he had not paid attention to the sound of the rain against the shop window and roof anymore. Phil was too blinding and attention-grabbing.

The lights inside the coffee shop went out, presumably the staff being done for the day.

“Hey Dan?”

“Yeah, Phil?”

“Can I have your number, please? I’d love to hang out again.”

Dan’s breath caught in his throat and he wanted to thank any heavenly deities that might exist, even if he didn’t really believe in them.

“I would love that,” Dan said, relieved that Phil dared to ask because his own tongue was doing horrible gymnastics whenever he even tried to think about asking. He felt like it was too much of an ask. After all, when did strangers exchange phone numbers?

But then he thought about how he already knew pretty much Phil’s entire musical taste, his favourite video games through the ages, and silly little traditions that his family had over the holiday. Dan wasn’t sure he could say the same for many of the people he was casual friends with.

Dan didn’t purposely try to make their hands touch as they exchanged phones to write in their numbers, but he couldn’t say that he really minded when their fingers brushed. He felt almost silly, since it was such a freaking cliché thing, but he couldn’t deny the way that his heart soared a little at the contact. Judging by Phil’s smile, Dan might not be the only one who felt like this.

Once Dan’s phone was back in his hand, open on a contact that said Amazing Phil, Dan cracked another smile. It wasn’t like he could object very much to the adjective. Dan agreed wholeheartedly that Phil was amazing. He almost wished he’d been bold enough to write something other than just _dan_ on his contact.

They each pocketed their phones and then lingered again. Even though Phil had somewhere to be, he seemed reluctant to end the interaction as well. Seeing how he stuck around, hands put into his pants pocketed and arms twisting around in an unnatural angle, Dan decided at least he could do one brave thing instead of counting on Phil to do all of them.

He wasn’t much for touching strangers and he didn’t like when people got into his personal space without permission. It made him feel on edge and uncomfortable, but Dan had already deduced that Phil wasn’t really the same way. He’d seemed to initiate small touches all the time when they’d been sat in the coffee shop, as well as the sweet but awkward chair hug.

Dan forced his body to move before he could overthink everything like he was prone to do. As a result, he almost flung himself into Phil’s arms and made him stumble back a little as he struggled to retrieve his hands from the confines of his pockets in time to hold Dan. But the second Phil’s arms did wrap around Dan’s torso, Dan felt completely at ease.

This was ridiculous. He didn’t believe in love at first sight. It wasn’t a thing, but there was just something about Phil and Dan couldn’t help but see the possibilities stretch in front of him as he was properly in Phil’s arms for the first time.

He could see cuddles on the sofa, he could hear inside jokes, he could feel the comfort deep within his bones. It was almost too much and Dan felt like he was on the verge of breaking into tears.

Phil let out an exhale and then squeezed Dan a little tighter. Dan had expected it to signify the end of the hug and for Phil to pull his arms away but it didn’t happen. Phil lingered in the embrace and Dan realised how often people had pulled away from a hug before he was ready. He had almost been conditioned to think that hugs were just a brief press and then you obviously moved apart. Anything else would have been strange, right?

Not with Phil.

Dan tried to reel his mind in as it started to cast out a net even further with the possibilities. If he wasn’t careful, he could see their life ten years in the future, settled into a forever home, with fish and a dog and cooking breakfast in their underwear.

He finally let himself pull away from it and flashed a smile at Phil. He had a feeling that his cheeks might be dusted in pink but he could pretend that it was from the cold air biting his cheeks.

“Alright, I have to be going,” Phil said and he didn’t sound thrilled about it. “But it was really good to meet you. Really. We’ll speak soon, alright?”

Dan nodded, not trusting himself to open his mouth without saying something weird. There was also a chance that he’d just let out a whine or something because he felt distinctly reduced to a puddle in Phil’s presence.

It should not have been that hard to walk away but Dan had to practically force his legs to walk in the opposite direction of Phil. It was hard not to look back, and he caved at the end of the street, where he managed to see Phil’s back walking away too slowly for someone supposedly in a rush.

If he hadn’t turned forward again so quickly, he would have seen how Phil stopped in his tracks and cast a glance in Dan’s direction as well. They just missed each other.

Dan felt a lightness in his entire being and he wasn’t sure how he had gone from being cold and exhausted to feeling like he was walking on air and his entire body was radiating warmth. He was inclined to call it The Phil Effect.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for him to start overthinking things again. He wondered if this had just been a special moment that could never be recaptured. Maybe it was meant to be just that, two strangers meeting, and nothing else would ever be able to compare to that first moment of connection. Maybe he had misjudged everything and he wasn’t meant to have someone like Phil in his life.

Although he could feel the pull and all the potential. He wanted. For the first time in a long time, he truly wanted something for himself instead of just aimlessly drifting through an existential void.

He tried to brace himself for the possibility that it could fizzle out and die before it had even begun. He could not depend too heavily on something like this. It would only end up breaking his heart. He had almost managed to talk himself out of it by the moment he arrived home at his accommodation.

Stuff like that didn’t happen in real life. Meet cutes weren’t a thing outside of fiction.

Phil would probably never text him. He might just have been too polite and unable to turn down Dan’s clear desire for conversation. He was just too kind and polite. Surely.

All of those negative thoughts lifted once Dan’s phone buzzed in his hand with a text from his newest contact.

**Amazing Phil**

Is it weird that I miss you already? Probably.

Anyway, which shirt should I wear?

A second later a photo of two very similar shirts laid out on a bed followed. They were almost the same colour and pattern of red plaid, but nothing could beat the smile that spread on Dan’s face. It had been just over half an hour and Phil had already texted him.

Phil still wanted to talk to him. They had talked for literal hours and Phil still wanted to keep talking. It wasn’t just Dan that was seemingly wrapped up in it.

**dan**

they’re the same shirt phil

**Amazing Phil**

How dare you!

One is clearly wallace red tartan and the other is red buffalo check

**dan**

they’re the same shirt

**Amazing Phil**

You’re wrong and colour-blind

What’s your Skype name? I’m proving this to you right now.

Dan laughed and he wasn’t sure why he had been worried when it was this easy. Talking to someone new never felt this easy and comfortable. He promptly wrote his username – and inwardly cringed at _danisnotonfire_ – and opened Skype on his laptop. Not two minutes later, a video call request from _AmazingPhil_ came through and sure enough, Phil’s face flashed up on the screen. Phil then proceeded to shove the two red plaid shirts up to the shitty webcam as if that could somehow convince Dan that it was indeed not the same shirt. Phil insisted that the pattern was different and one had a tiny yellow line running through the squares. He still couldn’t see a difference, and even if he could, he was having too much fun winding Phil up.

It took another full hour before the two of them hung up and then it was only because Phil got a drunk call from one of his friends demanding to know why he wasn’t at the bar yet.

Dan fell asleep with a smile on his face and wondered how one day could go from horrible to wonderful in such a huge way. It was definitely The Phil Effect.

Now, it wasn’t new for Dan to be absorbed in his phone on a day to day basis, but it was new for him to be glued to his phone due to just one specific person.

It seemed unlikely that they could just jump into talking so much and excessively but it happened as easy as breathing. Over the first week, they exchanged dozens of texts back and forth every hour, and it quickly became a tradition to call each other on Skype at the end of the day as they were just puttering about in their rooms. Once it was weekend again, the two of them agreed to meet up in town and hang out.

Phil had insisted on showing Dan the Wheel of Manchester when he learned that Dan hadn’t been to see it despite having lived in the city since September. Dan didn’t have the biggest interest in seeing the wheel, but he did have an interest in hanging out with Phil and he could think of no better way to spend this Saturday.

They ended up hanging out the whole day, moving around Manchester and doing things as mundane as dipping into the Apple Store for Phil to pick up a new set of headphones and having caramel macchiatos at Starbucks, which had not been the plan at all, but they just kept looking for reasons to extend their day together.

It might have something to do with how Dan suddenly had been overwhelmed by the recurring need to kiss Phil all throughout the day. He had eventually given in while they were on the top of the Wheel of Manchester. He had managed to regret his decision for about a second, thinking he was taking things too far, way too fast, but then Phil was kissing him back and his heart settled into a beat to match Phil’s.

First kisses were always a little awkward and this one was no exception, but there wasn’t the lingering embarrassment after. It might have something to do with how the both of them were grinning so wide that their cheeks would hurt the following day. It felt like a tentative beginning, a sentiment that while they were becoming friends quickly, there was the underlying romantic attraction that neither of them could deny or ignore.

If Dan were inclined to spin cheesy metaphors, which he evidently was due to The Phil Effect, he would have said that what was between them felt like a flower slowly blooming. Their initial meeting on the train had been the sprout breaking through the earth and then it slowly matured into a flower bud during their conversation in the coffee shop. Though the week of texting and Skype calls, the bud had grown big and colourful on the verge of opening.

It had opened on the top of the big wheel as their lips touched for the first time and Dan realised there was no coming back from this. He wanted to cast all of his introverted side aside for now, to just spend every waking moment in Phil’s presence.

It was the following day that Dan hung out at Phil’s for the first time. They spent the whole Sunday cuddled up on Phil’s bed, binge watching anime and eating dry cereal. Dan wasn’t sure he saw the appeal of cereal without milk, but he was too smitten to even argue and he did know that he liked how Phil held the cereal in his palm and then happily munched.

It quickly became routine for Dan to come over at Phil’s place. Upon Phil’s insistence, he even came over with a load of laundry once because the one in his building had broken down. Phil would attempt to cook or they’d get a takeaway and cuddling up on the bed to watch something on Phil’s computer. One time they got wine-drunk and ended up making out for hours.

While Dan couldn’t even begin to describe how safe and comfortable he felt hanging out at Phil’s flat, he couldn’t stop his heart from racing the first time Phil dragged him along to hang out with his friends. Dan was a shy blubbering mess, but none of Phil’s friends seemed to mind. At most, he got some raised eyebrows of interest and a couple of winks. Phil’s friends teased Phil more than they did Dan, and soon Phil was also a bit of a blushing and blubbering mess, much like how Dan constantly felt around him.

Phil continued to show Dan around the various Manchester landmarks, and after their first few outings, it became natural for the two of them to intertwine fingers when they walked. Dan had been worried at first, feeling that people might be watching them and think poorly of two guys holding hands. He still wasn’t out to his family or most of his friends, so it was a little terrifying, but at the same time, he couldn’t make himself let go of Phil’s hand in his. It felt warm and right to feel the press of Phil’s hand against his own. One time, Phil forgot his gloves and Dan had solved it by taking their intertwined hands and shoving them into his jacket’s pocket. He was very grateful that it was deep enough to hold two hands comfortably.

Hardly a day went by where the two of them didn’t plan to meet up, and on the rare occasion that it happened, one of them would call over Skype at the end of the day. Both of them were trying and doing a fairly poor job of taking things slow. It might be because they could both tell that this was something special and unique. They wanted to treasure these early and tentative days and embrace the awkwardness that came with getting to know someone. Dan was the worse of the two, due to his impatient nature, but he forced himself to slow down. Things were moving forward, steadily and with a sense of inevitability that brought Dan more joy that he could express. He had never felt excited like this about his life moving forward. He couldn’t wait to see how it went because he had a feeling it was going to amount to great things. He had only known Phil for just over two weeks and yet he almost felt like he had always meant to be in his life.

The only thing to which Dan devoted any time during December, other than seeing Phil, was begrudgingly paying attention to the last couple weeks of classes and trying to prep for the exams. He already knew he was too distracted to do a good job, even though Phil had even tried to help by letting him study whenever he came over while also offering to make flashcards and test him. It was very endearing. At first, Dan had thought it was embarrassing, but Phil had assured him that it wouldn’t be the case. Still, Dan was relieved when Christmas break finally arrived and let him leave the classes behind. He had a feeling that exams would kick his ass come January, but it was an issue for future Dan to worry about.

He left his very last class of the year and felt like breathing came easier, even when he walked out of the classroom and felt the frosty air sting a little as he inhaled.

**dan**

i’m free!!!!!!!!!!

uni prison has finally let me go

until exams in jan but y’know

Dan sent the texts as he walked out, like it was the most natural thing ever. It had been for the last couple of weeks. Whenever he did something or saw something, his first reaction was always to tell Phil about it. They were already building a whole hoard of in-jokes and every time it made Dan’s heart soar. He wasn’t sure how he’d ever really lived without this. He wasn’t sure how he could ever go back. A part of him was worried that Phil might still bore of him and that this was just a weird honeymoon period where everything was tinted with a rosy sheen.

Those fears evaporated whenever he hung out with Phil because he had never felt as seen. Phil chose to hang out with him over any of his other, older friends if a choice needed to be made. Dan had never been put first like that before.

His phone buzzed in his hand and he looked down to see Phil’s contact flash over the screen. A couple of days ago, Dan had set his contact info to a photo he snapped of Phil falling asleep on the sofa one night when Dan had stayed over. He’d felt a little guilty for taking it at first but when he’d shown it to Phil, the older had just laughed and told him that the open-mouth drooling had been an artistic choice. Dan didn’t need to question why he had snapped a photo like that. Phil had looked good, even in such a state and it said everything about how Dan was already whipped.

He looked at the photo for a beat longer before accepting the call and putting the phone to his ear.

“’ello,” he replied, feeling the same warmth blossom from his chest whenever he talked to Phil.

“Congratulations on finishing classes! This calls for celebration. What do you say we meet up at Starbucks and then we head to Tesco’s to buy some baking supplies and we make you a proper homemade baked goods!” Phil said, loudly in an excited tone that could make Dan agree to just about anything.

Dan let out a bright chuckle. “It’s not that big a deal, Phil.”

“Yes, it is,” Phil argued. “Besides I have found this Delia Smith recipe. We’re going to make Christmas cookies!”

Dan couldn’t do anything but agree, and he headed to Starbucks with a light step. They kept chatting on the phone even though they were going to meet up and Dan would have questioned if that was weird if it wasn’t for the feeling in his gut. Nothing felt uncomfortably weird with Phil.

In fact, Dan had begun to question if you could become addicted to a person because he sweat that he could feel something akin to a rush of endorphins whenever Phil’s name flashed up on Dan’s phone screen.

It made him feel less overlooked and ignored. He felt as if someone had finally started treating him like he’d tried to treat people all his life. He felt less alone.

Baking turned out to be harder than they thought as they struggled to follow the steps of the recipe and judge how long the cookies should be in the oven for. However, for their first time baking together, Dan was going to say that it was a mild success. The cookies had been fun to make. The two of them created a mess of Phil’s whole kitchen and they had been in the oven a smidgen too long when they had been distracted by _other_ matters. They were still edible, even if the shapes were wonky, the colouring had faded a little weirdly and they were a tad hard. The finished the whole batch the same night anyway.

Phil got up and saw Dan to the door, like he always did, because then he could give Dan a goodbye kiss. Dan always melted into them and his resolve about staying over was slowly melting away. He knew it wouldn’t have to mean anything, but it felt like a big step to spend the night together – no matter what they might get up to. There was still a bit of a nagging voice telling him that he could mess all of this up. He had just gotten Phil, and he didn’t want to fuck it up. It was too important.

He hadn’t wanted a classification, always averse to labels of any kind, but he still couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to know with certainty where they stood with each other. Dan was fairly sure he could tell, with Phil’s touches and glances, but he had always been one for verbal communication more than physical assurances.

But Dan had discovered that one way to shut up his overthinking brain was to kiss Phil. It was like everything else ceased to matter because Phil was there in the moment with him and Dan had never felt so lucky to be able to kiss someone. Phil was fun, kind, handsome and smart and frankly Dan couldn’t believe someone hadn’t already come in to scoop him up. He pitied every ex of his that had ever made the mistake to let go of this masterpiece of a man. At the same time, he was glad because otherwise he’d never have gotten his chance.

“Hey, I’m holding a little party here at my flat in a few days. Sort of a Christmas hang out with my friend group. Please come,” Phil said, as he pulled back from a kiss to whisper the request against Dan’s lips.

“Won’t your friends mind?” Dan asked, always a little scared of intruding even though he had already met most of Phil’s close friends already and they had seemed to accept him instantly, if you disregarded the playful teasing. Dan could tell that it had come from a nice place. It might just be their way of showing approval and acceptance. 

“No,” Phil said, lips stretching into a smile that he pressed against Dan’s cheek. “Of course not, besides I really want you here. I always love when you come over.”

It felt like the beginning of a confession, of a roundabout way of saying that he liked spending time together. It was too soon and too early for the big words but Dan wondered if Phil could mentally see the steps that lay ahead of them in the same way that Dan could. The possibility of a future.

“I love it too,” Dan confessed just as shyly before he pecked Phil’s lips once more before pulling back. He had learned his lesson and given himself more time to say goodbye so that he could still make the bus that would take him back to his accommodation. However, he needed to get moving soon.

“So you’ll be there?” Phil asked, eyes bright with excitement and Dan’s heart leapt in his chest.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning and looking at the ground.

Phil moved forward to wrap him in a hug, a quick farewell one but one that managed to squeeze warmth all throughout Dan’s body.

“Great! I’ll see you tomorrow, baby,” Phil called out as he shut the door.

Dan had been a little caught up in his head with the warm feeling strumming through his body, courtesy of Phil, and he made it all the way down the stairs and out of Phil’s apartment complex before the word registered.

_Baby._

They didn’t do nicknames, at least not yet, but Phil had said it so naturally that he seemingly hadn’t questioned it. Dan hadn’t even registered it at first. He did now and he felt his cheeks flame hot because damn, he couldn’t even try to deny to himself that he liked it. He hadn’t been sure that he would, after all, it was a little weird to affectionately call someone an infant human but Dan found he needed to reevaluate his stance when it came to Phil.

Phil seemed to be doing that a lot to his life without even trying.

It had only been three weeks, but Phil was in every little crevice of his life and Dan had never invited someone this close to his person before. It hadn’t been because he hadn’t wanted it; he had been so cripplingly lonely at times that he’d thought he would never be able to breathe without that heavy feeling in his chest and the chill clinging to his skin. He had felt himself losing hope in kindness, warmth and goodness as he had seen how horrible people could be to each other. But Phil had been a tiny flicker of light that had reminded him that just because things sucked, it didn’t mean that things couldn’t shine as well. Dan still got lonely and insecure at times, but he had been reminded that it was good and okay to reach out when you weren’t feeling okay. It wasn’t weakness to lean on other people. Now, he found himself looking for the brightness as well instead of always zeroing in on the darkness.

It felt like he had been waiting for a wake-up call to be reminded of what his younger self had known before the world had turned him cold and tired.

It was too cliché for Dan’s mostly cynical mind – the whole _the right person will come along_ – but how could he scoff at the notion when it felt exactly like that? He’d be a hypocrite.

Going over to Phil’s flat had become incredibly easy. After the first couple of times, Phil had just given him the main code to enter the apartment complex and he usually left his door unlocked when he was just chilling at home. Dan had knocked politely the first few times, wanting to give Phil a fair warning and act like a good guest, but Phil had started to just call for him to come in and by now it felt all too natural to just knock and then swing the door open. He knew Phil would just tell him to come right in anyway. 

On the evening of the Christmas party, Dan let himself into the apartment complex but hesitated outside of Phil’s front door. He raised his hand to knock and knocked gentle this time. He waited outside the door for a beat but he didn’t hear a response. He could tell that music was playing from inside, not too loud but loud enough that his weak knock might not give him away.

He knocked again, pounding a bit harder this time. The force of the knock made his hand cramp a little.

“Coming!” Phil shouted and then swung the door open wide.

He looked surprised to see Dan standing there and Dan suddenly wondered if he’d showed up too early or too late. He’d double-checked with Phil what time he was supposed to come over, but he wondered if there had been a miscommunication somewhere.

“Why didn’t you just come in?” Phil asked and his lips pulled into a pout. His cheeks looked a little flush and he let a couple giggles slip past his lips. He had probably tested the welcome punch that he’d been texting Dan about on the way here. He had been a little scared of mixing up the ratios. 

“Because it’s polite to knock?” Dan said, his own lips curling up to a smile because Phil looked good and Phil wasn’t unhappy to see him, just unhappy that Dan seemed to have lost some of the familiarity with which he normally entered Phil’s private space.

“But you don’t need to be polite,” Phil insisted and he sounded so sincere that Dan felt the air knocked out of him at the words that followed. “You’re my b-… Dan. You’re always welcome here. You don’t have to knock, okay? You can always just come in. Please?”

Dan felt that his cheeks probably matched Phil’s in colour now and he couldn’t blame it on consuming alcohol. It was just The Phil Effect striking once again.

It was mostly due to Phil’s slip of the tongue. He had tried to correct it and inevitably ended up with an even cuter result. But it made Dan want to ask, properly ask if they could put a label to it. He felt like Phil would probably laugh goodheartedly at him for asking, since Phil had had to sit through a whole hour of Dan ranting about society wanting to put him in boxes and sticking a label on him. He stood by that rant, and he had been so touched that Phil had listened intently and seemed to get it. 

But labels could do good as well, if you wanted them. They could give you a sense of comfort. Dan was content to be a formless blob himself but he might also want to be a formless blob with a wonderful boyfriend called Phil Lester.

“You’re cute,” Dan said, using the compliment to keep in all the other thoughts that threatened to spill out.

Phil let out a snort and then moved forward to move a hand behind Dan’s head and drag him into a kiss. It was quick but there was a push behind it, an intensity that told him that it was more than just casual affection.

Dan got so lost and wrapped up in Phil that he hadn’t even noticed that a couple of Phil’s friends had already arrived and were sitting on the sofa. He was made painfully aware of them with their wolf whistle that then made Dan hide in Phil’s shoulder while his body flushed with embarrassment.

“Shut up,” Phil threw back in his friends’ direction and he finally pulled Dan into the flat and shut the door behind them. Before he pulled back, he moved his hands around Dan’s frame and gave him a tight squeeze. It felt like a quick but intense burst of affection, just like the kiss, and it almost hurt to let Phil’s arms fall away.

Dan had never felt so safe.

The evening went much better than Dan had expected. He had worried about being awkward and silent or feeling the need to retreat to a corner to be out of the way, but it wasn’t like that at all. Phil made sure to pull him into conversations and he noticed when Dan became engaged in one topic or another with someone from the existing friend group and just wordlessly pulled back when he noticed Dan was comfortable. The second he felt on edge again, Phil was right there.

Everyone was drinking and playing drinking games, but most people seemed to expertly navigate the line between pleasantly drunk and horribly drunk. There were more raised voices, fits of laughter, and affectionate touches, but it was all good. Dan liked these people, even if he’d only met most of them once. They all accepted him right in and there was no teasing about what was going on between him and Phil anymore.

Dan wasn’t a lightweight by any means, he figured he had his tall statue to thank for that, but towards the end of the night he did feel like his buzz had just dipped over into sleepiness. It was way past midnight now, and a couple of people had already left, but the party wasn’t winding down just yet.

Dan had promised Phil that he’d help clean up after everyone left. Phil had suggested it jokingly over text yesterday and Dan knew he could back out of it, but he didn’t want to. He felt almost silly and selfish, but as much as he enjoyed hanging out with Phil and his friends, he also just wanted to spend time with Phil by himself.

He didn’t manage to stifle a yawn covertly enough and Phil picked up on it. He leaned in closer. They had been next to each other all evening. Phil was a warm and comforting weight against his body and Dan wanted to just melt into it. 

“You tired?” Phil asked in a hushed voice and moved his hand onto Dan’s thigh. The touch was innocent but intimate and it felt grounding. Dan took a second to lift his eyes from Phil’s hand.

“No,” Dan said, but it was clear to his own ears how poorly that lie came out. He just didn’t want to go home yet. He was having a lot of fun, but he could also tell that his social battery was winding down a little too much. It had been in the yellow for the past half hour and it was about to go into the red.

He and Phil had talked about it once, how they as introverts seemed to just run out of juice in their batteries in social situations at times. It seemed that even one as casual as this could do it to Dan.

“Batteries dead?” Phil asked, as he leaned in close, speaking only loud enough for him to hear.

Dan blinked up at him in a state of mild shock. Sure, they had talked about it, but it had only been once and in fleeting conversation. Dan hadn’t expected Phil to remember, despite how he had related, and he most certainly hadn’t expected him to be able to spot it.

“Yeah,” Dan admitted. 

“You don’t have to stay,” Phil told him softly, even if he looked a little sad at the prospect.

“But I don’t want to go yet,” Dan confessed in a whisper of his own. “I want to spend more time with you.”

It was ridiculous for him to say that out loud. They were friends, and kind of dating. They could just arrange to hang out tomorrow. They probably would either way, but Dan couldn’t stomach the idea of going home right now.

But Phil didn’t look like Dan was being a big baby like he currently felt. He looked absolutely smitten and it was the cutest thing that Dan had ever seen.

“Why don’t you have a nap in my room then?” Phil said.

Dan hadn’t expected that. Sure, they had cuddled up on his bed plenty of times, but he had always been in Phil’s bed _with_ Phil. It felt almost invasive to be in there without him. At the same time, it was a better idea that leaving.

“Okay,” Dan said and nodded, before quickly leaning into press a kiss to the corner of Phil’s mouth.

“You two disgust me,” one of Phil’s friends said and Dan would have flinched if it wasn’t for the endeared tone and the smirk. “Get that affection away from my eyes.”

A round of teasing – the first of the night – occurred, but Dan didn’t mind because it made Phil blush and tell his friends to shut up in a tone that was so very fond. 

Dan didn’t want to call attention to the fact that he would be taking a nap in Phil’s bedroom, so instead he just snuck away in a quiet moment.

He had always loved Phil’s room. It was filled to the brim with various trinkets and Dan might be a little bit worried that Phil was somewhat of a hoarder if he didn’t know how sentimental Phil was. He didn’t want to go snooping, but the bedside table was hanging open, and he when he moved to close it, he saw something that made his heart leap inside his chest.

It was a ticket stub from the Wheel of Manchester on the day that the two of them went on it. Dan thought that Phil would have thrown that away. It was essentially trash and useless but then again, maybe it brought back memories for Phil just like it did to Dan when he saw it.

The fact that Phil had kept it, chosen to put it in his bedside table between a handwritten letter from his mother and yoyo Dan recognised from a story about his big brother made him feel some type of way. It was a bit of an unexplainable feeling. He couldn’t quite fathom how he had managed to already qualify to be valued so highly. He had metaphorically been placed next to Phil’s family and Dan knew how much they mattered to Phil.

It was like Phil had known that they would become something important so early on. Dan felt hot tears prickle his eyes because he had felt a little silly, like he was falling too fast into infatuation with this man, the stranger from the train that offered him a knitted hat out of kindness simply because he was cold.

The tears didn’t manage to fall, but mostly because Dan was now smiling too wide. He closed the drawer tentatively and curled up in bed under Phil’s duvet. Everything smelled of Phil and comfort and warmth, and Dan wasn’t surprised that he dozed off in record time. AS he was dozing off, he remembered that he hadn’t set an alarm to wake him from his nap, but he didn’t care.

Maybe he wanted Phil to find him sleeping soundly in his bed. Maybe he wanted Phil to creep in with him. Maybe he wanted to be held and told that he was special and loved. He was increasingly sure that Phil would tell him those words, because he already showed it again and again with his actions. 

Dan was all for going with the flow and seeing where the two of them would go, but he wanted to stop holding back in the worry that it would be too much or too fast.

He didn’t know how long he’d been out but he knew that he rose from sleep slowly because something made the mattress dip beside him. He rolled over and blinked the sleep away from his eyes and found Phil hovering beside him. 

He had changed out of his party attire, now just in a threadbare T-shirt and his boxers. He didn’t look like he was getting in to cuddle him, like Dan had hoped, but he should probably be happy that Phil didn’t intend to invade his personal space like that without explicit permission.

Still, Dan didn’t understand why he’d changed into pyjamas.

“Everyone went home,” Phil said, as if he could hear the question just by watching Dan’s eyes. 

“Okay,” he said and sat up a little and kicked the covers mostly off him. He felt almost too hot right now, having slept in all his clothes, or maybe it was just because Phil was sitting this close.

“I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful, but it’s like 5 AM and I want to sleep but I didn’t know if you… if you wanted to sleep with me,” Phil said and then seemed to realise the implication of his words. “Wait, not like –”

But before he could get more out, Dan was chuckling and too drunk on affection and possibly love because damn if this man wasn’t adorable.

“Not the smoothest proposition,” Dan teased him, but he reached out to link their fingers all the same and he reached with his other hand to trace over the worry lines that had formed on Phil’s face. Phil leaned into the touch without hesitance.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he repeated meekly. “I mean, err, that’s… something for the future? Maybe, if we want. To sleep together, like that, but I did just mean sharing the bed.”

The confession made Dan’s whole body feel alive and he felt warmth spread from the centre of his chest. 

“I’d love to share the bed with you, Phil,” Dan said and it was so corny, but it was true too. “In any capacity. Let me just get out of my skinny jeans before they cut off more of my circulation.”

Now that he was up and about, he decided to use the bathroom as well, but before he could close the door, Phil called out and told him that he had bought a new pack of toothbrushes.

He didn’t need to tell Dan that they were for him.

Phil had wanted him to sleep over before it accidentally happened tonight, Dan kept thinking as he brushed his teeth. He might have gone over the two minutes recommended brushing time because the thought would not leave him.

Everything that Phil did around him just proved that he was serious about whatever was unfolding between them. He had carved out a space for Dan in his life, willingly and excitedly, and Dan had never thought he’d experience something like this. He hadn’t known how much he needed it.

He had done the same, he realised. He had bulldozed away anything that stood in the way of spending more time with Phil. He couldn’t get enough of him and Phil had certainly already taken up a space in his heart.

It felt oddly right to climb into bed with Phil, perhaps because they had already shared the duvet during their anime or movie marathons. This was different though. It was the middle of the night and Dan was going to sleep here. Phil wanted him to sleep here.

“Cuddles okay?” Phil asked so quietly that Dan almost didn’t hear it.

“Hell yeah,” he said back and then cringed at the phrase he’d chosen to go with.

Phil didn’t seem to mind as he pulled Dan in tight, and it felt right as their bare legs intertwined and their arms wrapped around each other. Dan waited with bated breath for his overthinking brain to ruin it.

But nothing happened.

Every part of him seemed content to be in Phil’s embrace.

“Phil?” Dan asked in a whisper.

“Hmm?” Phil hummed, as he traced lazy patterns into Dan’s side with his fingertips. 

Dan entirely blamed his sleepy brain, the comfort that Phil’s cuddles brought him, and the domestic air lingering over the whole scene for the words that came out of his mouth next.

“Are you mine?”

Phil’s hand stopped moving and he half-sat up to be able to look at Dan properly, even in the low lighting.

Dan felt how his heart jumped at this because now his brain decided to kick in and it was calling him an idiot – for asking, for phrasing it like that, for daring to hope that he could ever lay any type of claim on someone as wonderful as Phil.

But Phil was just smiling and it radiated off him in a way that made Dan feel like he was using all of The Phil Effect. Dan felt weak in the knees and he knew they would probably have given out under him if he’d been standing. 

“I… yeah, I already called you my Dan earlier, didn’t I?” Phil asked and he sounded like he was getting increasingly more shy. “I mean, if you want me to be, of course I will. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. So much. I just didn’t want to label it because I know how you feel about labels. And honestly, it’s just been so lovely to get to know you without any of that pressure but I’ve always felt like we’ve been moving forward to something secure. And it’s – Dan please say something, you’re making me worry.”

Dan hadn’t realised that he’d fallen silent or that his mouth had gone slightly slack to give him a gaping expression. He just couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was so overjoyed that for once in his life, he had gone speechless. That didn’t happen to Dan. He always had the words, too many words, but right now he felt like none of them could encompass or express just how much he cared about Phil.

He did the next best thing, and he spoke Phil’s love language instead. He reached out, tenderly moving into Phil’s space and then he kissed the hell out of him with all the affection that he didn’t know how to voice. Phil gasped a little under him and he seemed uncertain for a second, but that was all it lasted and then Phil was kissing back with the same ferocity as Dan.

Once they finally pulled apart, there was laughter in Phil’s eyes and Dan had a feeling that his own pupils might have turned into hearts with how much he felt like he was bursting with affection.

“You know, you still didn’t say anything,” Phil said, voice so high and happy and Dan could get addicted to that sound. Maybe he was already.

“My Phil,” he said back and he watched how Phil’s already soft expression impossibly went even softer.

“My Dan,” Phil echoed back. “Does this mean that we’re boyfriends?”

Dan just smiled and giggled at it and let himself fall back into Phil’s embrace and he buried his face in his warm neck.

“Yes, I think it does. I want us to be,” Dan said shyly.

He had never had an actual boyfriend before, but he had always dreamed of what it would be like to have one. He had made up a dream version in his head, but even now that dream seemed to pale in comparison with the real, living and breathing Phil next to him. Phil was wonderful, and kind, and handsome, but he still had his flaws too and that made him even better. He was human and real and he wanted to be Dan’s boyfriend.

There was a three word sentence on Dan’s mind, playing on loop inside his head but he didn’t want to say it just yet. He had just found out that Phil wanted to be his, and he didn’t need to pile this on top of it as well. Even if he had a wonderful feeling that Phil might share the sentiment with how he acted and spoke.

They had all the time in the world to figure it out and Dan felt for the first time since he met Phil that maybe this wasn’t some strange extended mirage dream where someone he hadn’t known he’d been looking for had waltzed into his life.

Phil was his, and Dan was Phil’s and there was still a lot unspoken between them and a lot yet to be discovered about each other, but Dan felt like it was just a matter of time. They would get there eventually.

The two of them shuffled around a little, both reluctant to pull away from the impromptu embrace even a little, but eventually they managed to crawl under the duvet again.

“I could get used to this,” Phil said and pulled Dan a little closer.

Dan heard the words underneath, those that Phil couldn’t say directly. He wanted to get used to this, Dan’s body warm and comfortable against his own. 

Dan shared the sentiment wholeheartedly.

“Me too, baby,” Dan whispered and exhaled deeply.

Phil didn’t question the nickname. He just gave Dan another little squeeze and the quiet settled over them as they both began to drift off to sleep. Dan felt warmth creep into his bones and make a home under his skin, and he was entirely sure that it could be blamed on the warm affection radiating off of Phil.

Dan felt warm.

**Author's Note:**

> This story turned out to be harder to write than initially anticipated but I really like how it turned out. I hope you like it too, Mandy, as well as anyone else who find this fic. I'm curious to see if you'll have any idea who I might be until it's revealed next week. Happy holidays to anyone reading this as it's posted. I hope you have the most wonderful time.
> 
> [Tumblr post](https://secretlywritingstories.tumblr.com/post/189985616175/no-longer-feel-alone-written-for-alittledizzy)


End file.
